The Diary of Queen Mothy |
And She Would Leave Him, After All written @ 6:11 PM on December 26, 2002 I like to read squirrelx 's diary. I've never read a more down to earth, perceptive, inspiring diary that has been so very well written than hers. The latest turmoil in her life has been about how hard it's been to leave her abusive husband, and the backlash that has caused. I love her wit, her figures of speech, even the crazy squirrel pictures. The other day, though, while perusing her entries and imagining just what it would be like to leave a spouse, a tiny voice in the back of my mind asked if my mother would have the nerve to leave my father. Things haven't been too great between them, as is known among my most intimate readers. For an onslaught of cheerless yet semi-insightful description of the fiascos of old, see my January/February, July/August entries. What all the beans add up to, though, is that I'm eighteen years old and have more sense than my father possibly ever had. This isn't just a teenage "think-I-know-everything" plea for pity; this is from someone who, if I do say so myself, more often keeps her mouth shut, listens, and observes. My father is insensitive. Basically, the trouble originating from last night began in the morning (does that make sense?). My dad bought my mom a clock for Christmas. It's a very nice clock, has a beautiful chime to it, but instead of saying, "I thought you would like this because it's pretty; I thought you would like this because it has a pleasant chime," he said yesterday, "I got it so I don't have to wind the other one." I honestly don't know why he even addressed her name on the package. Apparently, since this past weekend while I was at work, my mom called him on a few things, and he got all pissed off and bent out of shape. All in all, it's with events like this, however small, that add up and build and build upon tension already laid at the foundations of a longstanding dispute dating to two and a half years ago when I had just turned sixteen. That story of misery is also in my archives from this past year as I was venting one night. I really wanted to record the night they at last informed my brother and me that all was not well in the marriage department, not just to explain the horrible events that followed when my dad and I squared off, but for my own sanity. Just to remind me how strong I've become since those days. So my dad is insensitive. So he's depressed (a genetic thing from his side of the family). So he promised to go to a doctor to get his problems corrected as has not. So he's trying to pretend like there's not a problem and that everything will go away. Ah yes, perhaps it will go away. Literally. The friction over the weekend was the sap of the week. Dad went into one of those annoying, cynical, withdrawn moods, and Mom and I ended up going to the movies by ourselves. There really was no reason why he couldn't come with us. His excuse was, "I have to watch the fire in the fireplace." Yet he left the fire go while everyone was out at church the day before. The fact that it was just Mom and I going to the theaters was what ticked her off. She went on her familiar diatribe on how insensitive he was, how she kept giving and giving without getting anything in return from him, etc. I reminded myself quietly how thankful I was that I was living at college and not at home. Then she said, "I tell you what, Sam, I'm not putting up with this bullshit very much longer." "I know," I said. "I just want to tell you," she continued. "I didn't tell your brother, but I wanted you to know so..." So there's not as much heartache? Impossible. "Don't you be surprised if you're packing up your unicorns for a new place." I must have lost all color in my face, but it was dark so she couldn't see; and I couldn't dare look her in the eyes. She's going to be 50 in February, and she's become more emotional the more she ages. I don't like seeing her cry; it makes me feel weak and cold at heart. What she basically meant was that she would leave my dad if it came down to it. She knows that inspite of everything she is in control of her own life, that she has to make her own happiness. She's right; it's the same constitution I live by. She said she wanted to have the decency to wait until my brother graduated from high school, but she just doesn't know anymore. I can't think what this situation would do to my brother. Sometimes I'm afraid of what it would do to him emotionally, sometimes I'm afraid he'll grow up to be as hopeless as my father. Sometimes I'm afraid I love my dad only out of propriety. "What do you think?" my mom asked me. There was only one thing I could say: "You do what you have to do." Sometimes I think it would have been better if they had divorced two years ago instead of allowing this wound in our family to fester, but I was so selfish for things just to be as tranquil as they had been in the past. "But what do you think about him, as his daughter?" she asked me. I felt nothing. I opened my mouth to come out with a neutral answer, but I couldn't lie. "What do you mean?" "What do you think about him as a father?" I didn't know what to say. "If you don't like him, it's okay to say that." God, is it? "You can still love someone and hate something about him," she said. "Well... he's not who he used to be. Sometimes it feels like I'm communicating with two different people," I said. Mom nodded. "He's not who I remember him as when I was a little girl. He's changed. I don't like it. I mean, I understand this may have something to do with Grandma dying so traumatically, and he has had a stressful time with jobs, but I don't like what he's become." That man who lives with us, I wanted to add, is not my father. And my dad is losing allies fast. My other set of grandparents are pissed at him. My aunt is dissatisfied but too afraid to say anything because she's a little bit wishy-washy and that's her brother. My uncle is angry at him for various reasons. And if my mom leaves him... I can't imagine what will happen. Is my dad a worthy contender for suicide? I always wondered if my mom would leave him, and in typical cause and effect reaction, the answer was yes so would my dad become completely broken? Would he committ suicide? If she leaves him, will he try to find solace in me? What last night revealed to me has made me predict a very difficult position for my family, for me, in the not-so-distant future. As cold and hateful as it sounds, he is the type to learn only the hard way. I cannot be dragged down with him; I'll never get out of Ohio. I think I love my father, but I don't know how I'll be able to explain this in my genealogy notes. And my unicorns will not be happy. There are many other thoughts and insights I would like to relate here as part of getting things off my chest, but I feel very emotionally drained right now. I'm not unhappy; on the contrary, I feel very in control. But there is an impending disaster on the horizon.
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