The Diary of Queen Mothy |
Now THAT'S Bizarre written @ 7:38 PM on September 25, 2003 I feel like King Charles must have felt as he sat in his cell awaiting his own execution the following morning. In my case, it's less dramatic: I only have an essay exam in international politics tomorrow. Still, the similarities are uncanny. *** Been working on the novel a lot... instead of studying. Actually, I've been studying all week, but there's only so much you can study without going cross-eyed, so Book Two's been getting a lot of attention and has been draining me emotionally because it's an intense character-driven book. As a result, I've been kind of numb to my surroundings. I suppose that's not a good thing, but I've been doing some good writing. I feel like it's lacking in focus though... I dunno. *** A perfect example of me being numb to my surroundings was what happened when I had my first real conversation with Dan today. Or what didn't happen, to be more precise. Because my friends and I share such oddball class schedules, I was by myself at lunch today passing time when Dan sat down next to me. I knew it would have only been a matter of time before he worked up the guts to actually talk to me without Linsey's influence-- and speak of the devil. Our conversation was marked with long pauses and typical questions: what made you come to NKU? What do your parents do for a living? Do you know so-and-so from Lakota? Small talk. The questions he asked me were so ordinary and had been asked 1000 times my freshman year, so my responses were by this time well rehearsed and meaningless to me. When we delved deeper in each other's lives, though, I realized we were two very completely different people from two very different walks of life. He knows nothing about art or theater-- he thought I was an acting major until I told him otherwise-- and so he doesn't quite understand why I do what I do and the passion I carry through its madness. I told him I was going to be in school for a long time, and he replied he will spend no longer than four years here if he could help it. And that's fine. I have a feeling, though, that I came off as too sophisticated. You know what I mean? I had barely grazed the surface of how much my work in art and theater meant to me, and I think I came off as well beyond his league. Sometimes I do that, I've noticed. Sometimes when I speak I have this habit of talking about things that no one could possibly understand without having lived through it themselves-- such as the life that transpires when you're painting. I studied Dan for a while because I understood him on a subliminal level without having talked about anything remotely subliminal, and I understood he has this picture of me as being this sophisticated, ethereal person who seemed missplaced on this earth. His posture kind of leaned away from me, but he readily smiled genuinely. He has a nice smile. But at the same time, he was uncomfortable and felt awkward. He tried to be smooth and cool, but he was never able to look me in the eye. I had a discussion with Jessica the other night about a phenomenon that I've come to realize about myself and why guys see me as "mysterious." I have determined that they see me as "mysterious" because of the way I see people: I see right through them. Jessica described it as being unnerving yet fascinating. So for the past couple of days I've been experimenting with this. I've noted the way people react when I enter a room-- as in the case of my floormates-- and I've also come to realize that very rarely will my international politics professor look me in the eye, but on the other hand my archaeology teacher readily lectures "to me" because I appear to be the only one in the classroom that is listening. It's truly bizarre! This was so interesting that I commenced in experimenting on people I passed on the campus, and you'd be surprised at the wide range of subtle reactions I have logged. Maybe it's just a simple matter of people feeling threatened when you look them in the eye; God, I'm so weird. I think this is a small skill related to my psychic behaviors. I don't know-- a lot of weird shit has been happening to me lately. In any case, the point is that Dan can't look me in the eye, and that disturbs me on a few levels. His discomfort level was reading off the charts, in spite of the fact that he was determined, so I said goodbye and bowed out from the cafeteria gracefully. The mojo is simply not there, folks. But time will tell for sure. *** *moan, groan* Oh, the horrors of international politics class... To think that I took this class in an attempt to make a better person out of myself and separate myself from the ignorant American masses! In the end, all I think I did was cause misery. *** NOTE TO SELF To do list: Friday: 1. Weld stagecraft project 2. Visit Kinkos. 3. Visit Die Hard Paintball for ungrateful brother. 4. Finish contact sheets and proof prints. 5. Buy tickets to show Saturday: 1. Snap pictures 2. Finish written homework. 3. Go home, return overdue book, drop off employment application at Michael's. 4. Buy art supplies 5. Laundry Sunday: 1. Studio work 2. Attend dress rehearsal for photo class 3. Figure out final project due in December...
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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