The Diary of Queen Mothy |
Happy Birthday, Diary! written @ 5:36 PM on January 01, 2003 This diary is one year old. Happy birthday, diary. God knows what the hell sort of shambles my life would be in now if I hadn't been able to sit down for thirty minutes to an hour everyday and gather my thoughts. I'd probably be in worse shape than a Tiffany lamp in a daycare center. 2002: The Best of Times and the Worst of Times If I had been one to dwell on the past, I'd probably be clicking through my entries of my last year in high school in a blood-letting trip down memory lane. Instead, what's done is done, and if I were now to look at those early entries and compare them to what was written later in the year, I'm sure I would see a litany of change as I struggled through the war that is being 18. The war isn't really over. It enters new phases. It changes like the roll of tides from month to month, and sometimes, when the zodiac is really off its rocker, from week to week. The theme of 2003, therefore, is acceptance. I think that's been the main lesson to be learned in my life in these darkening days. Will the war ever end? Not until my life does. I've never been truly free of conflict, you know. I just tend to handle it differently than others that I know. Some people I know are willing to wallow in the misery. Others will keep it all inside and let it build for years and years until it rots out your soul. Another may take it out on someone else. And then I know some who will sink into the bowels of self-pity and wait for others to pull them out. And I just let it all go and accept it. My predictions? Well, for the world, I predict a year that is no less bloody than others. I tend to think that if the U.S. makes it to the 2004 elections, then we're in good shape and not nearly as many people are pissed off at us as was first feared. That's the year I vote Bush out. For my friends there is change, I think. But change is good, guys. I know there's going to be change in store for me. For one thing, I resolve that I will be stronger and nobler, just as my family crest dictates. "Noble et Fort." I will have to be; I know I am entering darker times, my own Mordor, and that the burden I carry will be great. Soon there will come a time when I will be standing at another fork in the road. As an amateur genealogist, I am entitled to love my family, even if we are cavorting toward disaster, but there will come a time when I am going to have to choose between two paths: one road leads to the middle of conflict, and the other road will make me divorce myself from that conflict and forsake them. The question is, of course, which one to take. If I stay and ride out the conflict that my parents will drag me into the middle of inevitably, will I darken my own life as they careem toward almost-certain divorce? Will my mom try and turn me against my father, as it seems she is doing now, and continue to whisper in my ear, "Look what he's done, look what he's done... How can anyone live like this?" Is she losing hope as fast as it seems? Will he continue to ignore the problems? Will he place some faith in the medication treating his depression and turn his life around? Will he become like his father? Will my brother become like his father? You see, there is too many uncertain factors with that road. The only glimmer of hope is, as it turns out, to have hope. Of which only I have some. If I were to choose the other road, I would not necessarily be free of that specific conflict, but I would be free. My family can choose to wallow in its misery, but my spirit will not be dragged down and defeated. Everyday my heart turns colder to my mother's own bitterness. If she loses hope, I cannot forgive. If my father gives up, I cannot forgive. If I have to, I will move out-- permanently. I will find a way. I will not be deterred by this riff. My heart will not stand to be scarred any longer. But if I leave, if I run from this conflict because I will not, cannot be held down, does that make me weak? Does that make me a coward? Does that mean I am taking the easy way out and giving up on them myself? Would I leave out of love? Does it mean I am selfish? It is a great fork in the road, these two paths. I foresee it now because God is giving me time to think about it, so that when I am faced with the decision at last, I can act and act without regret. It is so much easier to run. But I never took the easier road. Even so, I do not want to ruin my life on account of my family's own mistakes. I am afraid that I will run. But it's my life; why should I not seek my own happiness in the darkest corners of the living world? The brewing problems aside, I, Sam, have other resolutions for the new year: 1. Sam will finish writing Book One and Book Two of my series. And they will be great. Sam will finish drawing all city maps and completing stray character analyses. *And they will be saved on disks. Lots of disks.* 2. Sam will discover the mystery behind her great-grandfather and bring closure to the Reno branch of her family tree. 3. Sam will finish reading all those books she has sitting on her dresser/desk. 4. Sam will not sink into needless bad moods and gloat. Oh, a bad mood is necessary every once in a while, but gloating is a no-no. 5. And speaking of saying no, unwanted men will not pursue Sam, lest they taste her wrath. What's funny is that no one has really ever seen Sam's wrath. Sam can be quite evil, as soon as she stops being a ninny. 6. Sam will not start projects unless she can complete them. Forevermore, I am Queen Mothy
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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