The Diary of Queen Mothy |
Her Mojo Dawns written @ 10:00 PM on October 13, 2002 I know what direction I want to take my novels now. It suddenly occurred to me today what power I can really muster with what I have written already. The only thing that can stand in the way is college, for I have simply burst with a creative energy I have not felt in such a long time. What's more, I finished one of the panels I'm painting for my drawing class. It's part of the essence of change theme I've written about in past entries, and it's the first serious landscape I have ever done. For some reason, it's turned out early American landscape style-- quite contrary to my nature-- but at first glance from an outsider's point of view, it's a beautiful woodland scene. It almost reminds me of "The Hunt of the Unicorn" tapestry series. My mother likes it very much, and when my mom insists on keeping a piece of mine, then I know that I've pleased her and am forbidden from selling it. She was never much of a fan of my AP concentration last year. She was happy I received the top score, but I think perhaps she felt it was artwork I could do without. I tend to agree. Even though going back to East brought a strange peace and joy on Friday, I am no fool: I remember the pain that was wrought there. My work was shit my senior year, in spite of the top mark on the AP portfolio. That was a time when art was equivalent with miserable slavery. But that's not so anymore. I stood back from that painting today and felt a completeness. Like the work was finished. I cannot touch it anymore. I changed through the good will of the piece. The piece is already fulfilling its purpose to change. I am so lonely and without the companionship I've been denying that I crave, but other than that, I feel like life is going in the direction that I want it to go. I think I have at last come full circle when it comes to really knowing myself, especially knowing what I want, and all that remains is for me to change with whatever life may throw at me. I have realized how much I truly endure. When you think about it, there were a thousand different paths I could have chosen, all simpler than the one I chose for now, and a hundred ways I could yet simplify my life, and a thousand stresses and burdens I could lay to rest. But I don't want it simplified. And the burdens are what keep me going. Anything less than what I've done so far with my life and I would be a lost cause, a dreamer without action. I only wonder now what more I can do and what tomorrow will bring with these decisions. My happiness is in my physical hands.
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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