The Diary of Queen Mothy |
The Explosive Argument written @ 8:51 PM on February 11, 2002 Thirty seconds after I published my last entry, I fought a bloody verbal battle with my father. I was screaming my entire heart and soul out at him-- I still did not get through everything I wanted to say-- and I was wild and uncontrollable. Truly, I was. Never had such an irrational face within me ever rear its ugly head at such a force like that. What exactly I said comes back to me two days after the event in wisps of strained screaming and not even letting my dad get the chance to give me his bullshit, cop-out replies. I was wild. I wish I could relay the entire "conversation" to you here. But I can assure you that I suddenly found the courage to tell him what my mother, I think, was afraid to tell him: that he is wrong, that is a clinical depressant. At this point he laughed mockingly at me. "How in the hell am I depressed?" "Look at the facts, Dad," I yelled. "Number one, it's hereditary. It comes from your father!" "No, no," he countered. "My father was depressed after his wife died--" "Wrong! He was taking anti-depressant pills long before then!" "And how do you know this? How come I never knew?" "I don't know! He was your father, you tell me! I know because I remember all the pills he used to take!" How could he not know the truth of his own father? How blind can he possibly be? Is he so deep in this depression that it will take more than the will to go see a doctor to correct this? Well, to tell you the truth, he was downright furious that I had accused him of being a depressed man. But that's typical. Those who are depressed tend to deny it, and he's got the biggest ego out of nearly everyone I know. Oh, I cannot begin to go into details and describe how explosive a fight this was. But I can tell you that I won. I said, "If you truly loved me, and if you ever did anything for me for the rest of my life, you will go get this corrected." I cited examples in the past of his depression. He laughed at me or defended the "fact" that he was joking. You could never know how foolish he sounded. After I decided that arguing with him was wasting my own time, I stormed down in the basement to work on my art. It's very hard to draw when you have tears in your eyes. Then I heard above me my dad and my mother fighting above me. "Where in the hell does she get this crap that I'm depressed? I'm not depressed!" My mother, who had remained quiet, crying, and helpless to do anything to stop us from fighting, had suddenly cracked and exploded like a volcano. "You know what?" Now she was the one screaming. "She's right! And I applaud her for standing up to you and telling you that! She's absolutely right for once! You ARE depressed! I know it! She knows it! Your father had it, and now you've got it! Face the music, Dave Reno! For once she is right!" Oh my God, I almost have the evil nerve to smile at how she began to bash on him. The greatest remark she made came a few minutes later: "The difference between you and your father is that he didn't have the ego you have, and he went out and did something about it." Oh, she socked it to him. Score: 3 points for me, 2 for Mom, -9 for Dad. And the routine of unsteady silence before the next eruption has continued to this day. I've decided it shouldn't be my responsibility to persuade him to go see a doctor. He's got to want to do it for him and not me or anyone else. One day, I hope he'll come to his senses as to how much he's hurt us all, and he'll realize how he's broken and smashed my heart. I was just happy when my friends came by later that night to take me out to Applebees. I had to get out of that house. So now I wait patiently for the next heartless battle but live my life like I always have. I have a lot to think of, and this can only destroy me if I dwell on it. Well, shit. I'm not budging. For once I am right. And if he wants to make amends with me and the rest of the family, he will have to apologize to me and go see a doctor. And that is that.
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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