The Diary of Queen Mothy |
Ode to My Friends written @ 4:25 PM on August 04, 2002 The party Friday/Saturday was fun. For the most part, it seemed like a fitting conclusion to high school friendships between many individuals I may not ever see again. Like I don't think I may ever see Casey, Jenny, and perhaps even Suzanne again. Casey has his own devices, and Jenny's headed down a dark path. Suzanne will be swept up with life. I think she may have only memories when all is said and done. Then there are people like Katharine, Liz, Christine, and Jessica with whom I may keep in touch with for a long time. I think after this summer it will be a while before I see Kat again, though. Even longer with Liz. And Jessica and I know that eventually we may just part for good. It's not that we want to; it's just life. As for Christine, it's a given fact that we may just be sharing a house when we're 76 with 100 cats and wearing purple turbans. Then there are people like Ryan. He seems like the type of person with whom our paths will inevitably meet again, perhaps when times are darkest for me. I swear, at times it's like I met him in a past life. I keep remembering Christine's angels that she handed out as presents to everyone at Christmas this passed year, with a poem summing up our friendship. It was perfect, I think. It was something you write in your memoirs. And then I remember freshman year, when I first moved to Ohio. Those first days of school I would not relive if the fate of the human race depended on it-- I hated it. I think I had taught myself to hate it. I had made a vow to myself in honor of past friendships from New Jersey that I would not fashion new relationships. I must have known it was an unrealistic goal, but for a while I succeeded in honoring it. I was something of a recluse that year, and the people who are friends with me now hated me then. I don't blame them. I hated me then. But it was kind of ironic how things ultimately turned out. I think I fared better here than I ever could have at "the high school I was *supposed* to go to." No. This was the high school I had been meant to go to. I'm still in love with imagining how things may have turned out for me if I had stayed in Jersey, but if God were to appear to me now and give me the option to choose my past, I would not go back to Jersey. I think I have resolved to banish a lot of memories about that place. It was junior high, after all. The people weren't even real people then. In fact, I think I was damned lucky that I ended here. It proves once and for all that I have confidants in Heaven who make my business their business. At the party we discussed whether we thought that we had total control of our lives, or if everything was predestined. It was weird because I had watched "Forrest Gump" earlier that day, and it was something of a theme. And then that night at the party we watched "Lord of the Rings," and I kept remembering the part where Gandalf said to Frodo, "Bilbo was meant to find the Ring, in which case you were also meant to find it." I did not say anything in regards to the debate. Jessica was a firm believer that since the human race possessed free will, nothing was predestined. "I know that if I had been God, I would want to be surprised and watch what I made grow." Casey put a twist to things and said, "Everything is predestined for the most part, because no matter what you choose, God will know what you will do afterwards and how things will turn out in the end." I don't have an opinion, not a solid one. My life has played out like a story, like things have been predestined. There have been "coincidences" that occurred too smoothly, as if the stars have always been in alignment for me. Only the moon has been out of place for me lately, but it's like it's the precurser for a challenge that will come later in life. I know one thing, however, and that is I was destined to meet the friends that I graduated from high school with. I believe this, because each one of them reflects a different underdeveloped part of my being and brought out truer colors to my palette. What each of them taught me is too sacred to reveal here, in a public diary. And yet life never plays out quite like the game we planned. It may just so happen that I never see any of them again. At all. And all I have to offer is a heartfelt "Thank You." Why? Because they redeemed me. All through junior high I had threatened to lock myself up in the very crypt of my mind, and it looked for a while like I would succeed in becoming something I was not once I moved. You see, that's the power of travel; you become something and someone else in unfamiliar land. But that never happened. In some strange way, they created Samantha Reno. And I, always believing that I was me and my own, have at last realized this. And so, I have one week and six days before I leave home. I daresay I'm in for an interesting ride, mostly because of the time I'll spend in the art department. It's going to be insane. A bit off the topic, however, my faith in art has been revived. I received my AP Art portfolio score from the College Board. I ended up earning a 5, the highest score one can receive. I guess that means I can laugh at the diary entires I made earlier in the year, when I slit my wrists through words on this keyboard over artistic frustrations. I hope to never do that again. Quote of the Day, from an article about fashion on MSN.com: "Fashion is like dreams in stitches."
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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