The Diary of Queen Mothy |
"Anna Karenina" written @ 6:15 PM on March 15, 2003 Okay, I consider myself an educated reader who knows how to switch mind sets between fantasy and classical literature with a blink of an eye and still enjoy both genres and everything in between at the same level. Hell, I could even grow to accept romance novels if you forced me. I like to think I'm a writer's dream reader in a lot of ways, a reader that would believe you if you wrote the sky was green and the grass blue, a reader who can accept talking dragons and a less-than-likely love affair between two people of extreme backgrounds. But "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy absolutely kills me. I bought this book last summer as part of my classics kick and have been struggling through it ever since. It's not the size of the book that scares me, even though my paperback version stands well over 800 pages. It's not the eye-straining font size, or the fact that it's one of those hopeless Russian Victorian novels. I will tell you what I like about the book so far: I like the complexity of the characters and the wide array of personalities. I like how it challenges the old Victorian ideals and values by placing some of its characters in difficult situations morally and socially. Hell, I even like the Russian names that just seem to bounce off the tongue. Over all, the plot is okay, if dreadfully slow even on an academic level, and I'm sure that once I finish it I'll appreciate it immensely. But consider the following: one of the sub-plots in this book is about a Russian aristocrat, Levin, who makes his living with farming and would like to see Russian agriculture methods updated. He has some communist leanings, but we won't hold that against him. He's very much a stoic and tends to live like a hermit. He's madly in love with this spoiled little rich girl Kitty-- who is sweet but her sweetness makes me sick-- but she rejects his marriage proposal in chapter three-ish because she's infatuated with Count Vronksy, who, as it turns out, falls for the "Mrs." Anna Karenin, and poor Kitty is left cold at the ball. Get used to it, hunny, welcome to life. Then Kitty decides that she loved Levin after all (she's in her late teens, which means it's almost past the high time for her to get her ass married), but Levin won't believe her and retreats back to his estate in the countryside. Twenty fucking chapters are next dedicated to Russian farming. Finally Levin decides how he's going to revolutionize his farm-- about damned time-- but then he growns to believe that there is no purpose to life and he would be better off dead. (FYI: Scholars state that Levin most closely reflects Tolstoy's suicidal characteristics) Eventually, though, he goes back to Moscow, only to be invited by his friend Oblonsky, who is the only normal person in the entire goddamned book, to a dinner. There he meets Kitty, and the old flame is renewed. After the dinner, Kitty gets her mits on a piece of chalk and begins drawing circles on the hotel's green table cloth (I'd be pissed if I were the manager). Levin takes the chalk and begins writing out his feelings for her on the cloth, using the initial for every word. For example, "When you said no, did it mean never or not at that time?" would be "W, Y, S, N, D, I, M, N, O, N, A, T, T?" And fucking get this! These two stage an entire dialogue using this garbled shit, and 435 pages into the book they finally decide to fucking get married! U.S. Pentagon code breakers couldn't figure that shit out! But wait... the best part is yet to come. I hope you are noting my sarcasm. Levin, you see, has two secrets that could potentially mar his happiness with Kitty and stop Kitty from loving him, but because they are to be married, he decides to be forward, honest, and have no secrets from his future wife. Mind you, these are Victorian times. He writes them down in a diary and hands them to Kitty, who bursts out crying when she reads it. Can you imagine what those two secrets may be? I'll tell you! First of all, Levin confesses that he's agnostic. Okay, you may think. That could potentially cause some problems if you're getting married in the Russian church and do not entirely believe in the sacrament you're about to receive. And if you're that in love with the guy, perhaps it would upset you a bit that he doesn't believe he'll see you in the Afterlife, or whatever. But why is Kitty so upset? Why is she crying her poor, poor little eyes out? "It's just awful!" she cries, sobbing. "It's just... awful! Take this wretched diary away from me! I love you all the same, but it's awful!" Levin is not a virgin. At this point, I had to put down the book because the tears in my eyes from laughing so hard was marring my ability to read this pseudo-tragedy. Perhaps I should have more sense with my modern mind and put myself back into the time period to understand, but I'm pretty sure that if I was Kitty then, I would have calmly handed the diary back to Levin and said, "Yeah... so?" After all, it would have meant that Levin apparently has more experience, which would make marriage that much more fun, wouldn't it? Why doesn't the stupid girl think for a moment and consider the perks? I highly doubt that girl knows what to do in bed, and if Levin didn't, the wedding night would be boring and confusing indeed. Jessica, I know you'd agree with me. Experienced men are better, Kitty Scherbatsky, you selfish bitch who is more deserving of a Russian spinster's life! Ahem. Anyway... *** Bad news for my dad. Some wretched, conniving parents on the CAHA hockey team he coaches have rallied against him and arranged a suspension of his coaching status for next season, saying he has not disciplined the kids and is unfit to coach AA. Well, the latter charge I'm not sure about, but the first charge? If you knew those dilinquent bastards on my bro's hockey team, you wouldn't know how to discipline them either. Dad knows who's been scheming and slipping the knife behind his back, but he's refusing to defend his position. I think that's ridiculous. After viewing the two-page list of complaints issued from the targeted parents, he ought to have the balls to defend his honor and reputation. Not all the charges were true, and those that were did not merit a suspension from coaching. Perhaps it's better to turn the other cheek, but I'm more for the disposition of the old eye for an eye rule. Assanine, really. When it comes to himself, he's become weak.
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