The Diary of Queen Mothy |
Dry written @ 9:46 PM on March 13, 2004 I'm really not in the mood to write now... mostly because I spent all day writing in my third book. I'm a little spent, you might say. But I figured I'd record a little here. For the past month or two I've been toying with the notion of seeing a psychologist. I asked my mom what she thought and she seemed surprised that I would bring up something like that when I appear so grounded and as if I have my act together. But things are getting very complicated for me. That's my fault, I know. I'll tell you what, though; part of me is wondering how an outsider would look at the grand scheme of my life and what they would say, the other part of me just feels like I need to get stuff off my mind so I can move on. Move on from what, you may ask? A lot of things, I suppose, most of them mundane. But there comes a time when the little things begin to add up. You feel like you're losing control of your life because maybe-- just maybe-- you placed the stakes too high, you sacrificed too much. Maybe the chickens are ready to come home to roost. Right now, however, I'm rambling. I'm not even sure what I'm talking about, but subconsciously it makes sense somewhere in my head. *lol* I'm hoping the pyschologist will just begin asking me questions and everything will just let go from there. I've avoided talking about my parents here a lot lately. I think everything that could be said has, in fact, been said. I'm beyond dwelling on any pain, any sense of betrayal. As the old cliche goes, I've hardened my heart. I didn't even react when I came to the realization last night that my dad is a stranger to me. I don't know him anymore. I hardly see him, except for five minutes here, five minutes there. And I think he has this vision of me, and I am not that vision. The next time I'll see him it will be the opening night of my play on the 25th. He wants to have dinner with me that night and then go to the show. I can tell you right now it's going to be the longest night of my life, first sitting with him at dinner and then next to him in the audience. It's not so much that I can't bear his company, more like I terrified I'll say something he doesn't want to hear. Tomorrow I'm heading back to school. Spring break is just about over, damn it, and I spent most of it doing homework. Anyway, I'm dry tonight, so I'm getting out of here.
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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