The Diary of Queen Mothy |
Eternal Silence written @ 6:38 PM on October 11, 2003 Get ready, folks, this entry is going to be a rollercoaster... The other night I had a dream-- err, nightmare is a better word-- in which I got my wisdom teeth removed. As you all know due to my incessant whining, my surgery is set for the day before Thanksgiving, and now that it's only a little over a month before it happens, I'm feeling panicky. My friends Connie and Kristin tried to calm my frayed nerves about the dream last night by ensuring me that it wasn't bad: "After they stuck the IV in my arm and put in the anesthesia--" Connie began. "Wait," I interrupted her, "there's an IV involved with this?! The surgeon never told me about that!" She looked perplexed. "Yeah. Just a prick, Sam. And I was so nervous I was about to break down and cry because it's such a big needle..." She stopped abruptly when she saw the expression on my face. "Anyway," she continued sharply, "I focused on a window straight ahead, and then the window began moving in front of my eyes. I started cracking up because the window was dancing! And the doctor was like, 'What's so funny?' And I said, 'Look! The window's dancing!' And then I clonked out and woke up four hours later." I sighed. There's four hours of my life I'll never get back again, I thought. She did have some good advice about ice packs and pain killers, though. *** I realized last night what an incredibly lonesome road I'm traveling in my life. I realized that I can be in a room of thirty people I consider my friends and feel so incredibly lonely. No one here understands what I sacrifice. No one here knows the weight of the cross on my back. Sometimes I feel like I'm extending my neck to the executioner's block. I guess everyone feels like that at times, but last night, as I lay in my bed waiting to fall asleep, I think a lot and realize things about myself that I never knew. And lately it's been the thought that I am alone on the road that I walk. Brain constantly sighs and scolds me for, let's say, working in the darkroom on a Friday night for five hours straight instead of going to a movie night in the theater department, or staying for only an hour at a party instead of the entire duration. I know he means well, but I can't do those things. I can't. I have only just now begun to realize that my work demands solitude-- and I have dug myself a grave. And I thought about it a little last night. Brian, Tricia, and Christian intend on graduating in four years. I am destined to be here for six at least. Most of my friends are going to leave this school together. Because of time and circumstance I'm going to lose touch with them. Then I'll be alone again, with no home to go to because with my brother out of the house after high school, there's going to be a show down between the parents. I'll have an apartment and a job, yes, but I'll be surrounded only by pictures. I'll still have good friends, yes, but they're also going to have lives of their own. So after an hour of wallowing in self-pity last night, I asked myself what I wanted, how I could change this apparent downward spiral of my moods and my hopes. I came to the conclusion that all I wanted was for M or Dolan to tell me that it was going to be okay in the end, and that was it. I waited for an answer to come out of the dark, but the only answer was the silence that's ever symbolic of my life's path. Perhaps it's just that Dolan and M are now beginning to teach me the lessons I really need to learn in this life. *** In any case, I picked up the morning where I left off. I went to David Mack's workshop this morning about comic booking. It was supposed to last from 11-5, but I left two hours into it because I couldn't concentrate and suddenly felt very ill with a small panic attack. Never had a panic attack before, and I don't want one of those again; I felt like I was forgetting something important, but when I finally got out of there and returned to the dorm, I looked around, went through my assignment book, and realized that there was nothing that I had to do. Except food shopping. So I went food shopping. I bought some gala apples and Austrian coffee mix. I went to Meijer and bought some candles that I'll need to work with on my self-portrait. The store didn't have red glass candle holders, like the kind you see in churches; I was a bit disappointed, but I think my autumn-smelling cinnamon apple candles will work. When I returned to the dorm, I found that the ladybug infiltration that began a few days ago had reached explosive proportions-- there were 40 ladybugs on my wall at one point in the afternoon. Nuts, eh? But I hear they're supposed to be good luck. I could use some good luck. But right now I'm just passing the time until the sun goes down. I need it dark in the studio to work on my portrait. *** It's so beautiful outside. The trees are changing colors, and it's still very warm. It was so quiet on campus today that it was wonderful just to stroll softly in the sunshine and watch the birds over the warmly colored trees. I think that's what I'll do tomorrow if it doesn't rain. I'll wander a bit with a sketchbook in the woods. You're really not supposed to go back there, but it sounds like an adventure to me. Nothing like getting yourself into a bit of trouble, eh?
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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