The Diary of Queen Mothy |
Unabated and Evil written @ 4:23 PM on October 01, 2003 Unabated, evil, resentful, bitter, awful bitch am I. I hate failure because failure has not been the dominate theme to my life. So when failure occurs, emotions overwhelm me and all the world must pay for not playing by my rules. But such is not the nature of the real world. Accidents occur. Disasters are sometimes inevitable. And now and then the two very important rolls of film you spent over an hour developing-- due Tuesday-- come out completely blank. Rather than go into the details of this latest disaster, I will go ahead and admit that the Tarot warned me shit like this would be happening to me all semester unless I learned to take this life of mine in small doses. Unfortunately, like most members of American society, I am driven by a need of instant gratification and accomplishment, and I have fallen victim to the demons I seek to escape in my folly. Ever the tortured artist am I. After ripping through homework and plotting revenge against the photography deity via a visit to a Hindu temple on Friday, I trudged to my little studio space and continued work on a large oil painting of swans that will be a gift to my mother around Christmas. I almost did not paint. I figured paying homage to my painting while simmering in my white hot madness over every little thing that went wrong the past two weeks would inject an unabated negative energy into the painting-- and one way or another I would fuck it up and wallow even further in self misery. Don't do anything stupid, M muttered in my ear. My head was so full of hate that without thinking, without planning, I jumped into painting anyway. And slowly the angry passion cooled. Slowly I reached a mellow level of peace. The colors became the one concern, the brushwork a rhythm, the large canvas a small world to which I could play God and introduce as much harmony or, as in my present situation, discourse as I wanted. I'm going back tonight to work for three or four hours. I may just finish the painting tonight. And then I am planning a large scale self-portrait indicative to inner turmoil. The Six Pains of Sam, I'm calling it, and, boy, is it going to be unnerving. I have found a way to use color and color temperature so that it conveys energy and emotion, and, well, I figured since I'm so pissed off now that I should do it before my anger wanes and I lose all sense of purpose and mood. I hate nothing more than forgetting why I did a piece. *** In other news, my male-dar has indicated that the boy who sits behind me in archaeology is on the prowl. Stay tuned...
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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