The Diary of Queen Mothy |
Why I Don't Have a Boyfriend written @ 10:16PM on April 06, 2002 Question: You know what I find especially irritating? Answer: How, when I openly proclaim that I don't have a boyfriend and don't need one, people automatically declare, "Oh, you must be one of those feminist man-haters." Unfortunately, I am one of those females who was blessed-- or cursed-- with the knowledge of knowing what she wants when she wants it. Personally, I find the whole high school dating system to be the most mysterious thing in the universe, more so than UFO phenomena, but this is besides the point. As it stands, with two months left in my entire high school career, there is no purpose or anything to be gained by having a boyfriend. I am at the point in high school where I am about to either fasten my most cherished of relationships with duct tape or burn social bridges. Now the person of logic would ask, "Okay. What were you doing the past four years before you jumped to this conclusion?" First of all, I am not an open person when it comes to public display of affection. In fact, I am as cuddily as a cactus, for lack of a better phrase. Why am I this way? Simply because I think a special relationship such as what is shared between couples should not be in the largest display window on Fifth Avenue in New York. On top of that, it's no one damned business. Second of all-- and this ties in with my feelings about the high school dating system being the most myserious thing in the world-- I consider myself to be an old fashioned girl as a result of my many past lives with old fashioned values. As a result, having a truly serious relationship in high school seems ludicrous and unnecessary for it is proven testimony that many high school teenagers are shallow with uncontrollable hormones and who really have no concept of how relationships work-- nope, all they want is a "security blanket" for parties and to get some, if necessary. I asked my friend Jeff a couple weeks ago why guys in particular seem to desire girlfriends, and he answered that it was indeed something of an emotional security blanket to have something to share with someone who has the same values. Also, he added, it's quite awkward at parties when your best friend is making out with a girl in a corner, and you kinda feel like a third wheel. Well, I understood where he was coming from, but the entire system still feels screwy to me. I suppose it's just that what I expect from guys is entirely too high (but I refuse to lower my standards), and I just cannot imagine dating any guy in my social circle because that would be just scary if you knew my social circle, and anyone outside my regular party would be too awkward and odd because I would hardly know that person. Well, you say, that's what dates are for, Sam. Maybe so, but a lot is staked out in those dates, let me tell you. This is not to say high school relationships do not work out. Indeed, I can recall numerous instances when couples have actually gotten married and have stayed married. I know someone in my class who plans to get married next year as a matter of fact. I just mean for the majority of relationships there is nothing especially sacred between them, except for a different type of friendship. Number three, I honestly don't think I'm ready for any sort of serious relationship such as that. Really, there is too much I want to do and not enough time to do it. There's a lot I haven't learned about people, and my risk of getting hurt in a serious relationship is high no matter what the circumstances. The one good thing I can say about having a boyfriend or girlfriend in high school is that it helps you deal more smoothly with serious relationships in adulthood. When it comes to the opposite sex, people generally view me as either 1) cold, 2) outspoken, 3) brassy, 4) loud and obnoxious. Granted, I can be all these things simultaneously, but that just means that no guy has looked deep enough into my personality. Guys look at me and see this tangled, complicated personality-- "Oh, she's an artist. You know how they are..."-- and they don't get passed that and see that I'm just a regular individual trying to make something of herself. Welp, no one has ever called me boring, that's for sure. Would I like to have a boyfriend? Yes, I would eventually. Do I want one presently? No. Do I need one? No. I think it's a miracle enough to know what I need and don't need. But people in high school tend to take this in the wrong direction. First of all, they think it highly odd that a girl would not want a boyfriend. It's just not something you see everyday, especially in my school. And when they can't figure out why a girl would not want one, they automatically write you off as a lesbian. A lesbian I am not, as my old fashioned side sees that as a vulgar lifestyle for me. An even sadder situation is when your own father asks if you're a lesbian. And that has happened. Twice. At this rate in my high school career, there's no point in having a boyfriend. Most are just going to end up as one of those mellow-dramatic scenes fit for a soap opera on the WB. Number four, why is it viewed as a type of social status to have a boyfriend? What's the crime of going to homecoming or the prom with just a group of friends? My parents are quite concerned that I do not have a date for the prom. In fact, they threatened to ground me once or twice unless I get a date to prom. Isn't that laughable? My parents don't understand why no guy at school wants their daughter. To be quite honest, I'm not sure why either except that I'm aware of a wall that I've placed quite by accident and the fact that I tend to run from relationships if a guy shows the slightest interest. My weakness is especially apparent when one asks me out, and even if I don't want to go, I end up saying yes anyway because I'm afraid of the kid feeling rejected and, well, I try to give relationships a chance to work and grow. All the time, however, I end up sitting in misery for a month until the guy takes a hint and realizes the relationship is going no where. What can I say? I'm not a touchy-feely person. I'm not sure why I'm so awkward around guys, except it probably stems from the fifth grade when my friends set me up with that rat at a dance. Bottom line, however, is that I am fiercely independent. I don't mind being the third wheel, and I don't turn cold with the prospect of living alone all my life. I would like not to live alone, but if I never find that someone, there is no remorse. There's plenty to do without love. The romantic side of me thinks that there is only one guy out there who does fit my high standards that no guy I have met so far has fulfilled, but he obviously does not live in the Lakota District. People I could teach myself to hate would say, well, are you just saying all this to make yourself feel better because you're ugly? Granted, I am not the most attractive person in the world, but I certainly do not think myself ugly. Ask those idiots in my geology class; they'll tell you I'm not ugly "but you could certainly do better." (For a personal narrative of that story, just e-mail me...) But my vanity I'll leave for another entry. I just wish people would get off my case about not having a boyfriend. I wish they would stop calling me a man-hater. I am not a man-hater. I would not like to live the rest of my life alone and become the Old Maid. And I am NOT a lesbian. Jesus Christ, people, shut up about me not having a boyfriend. Stop saying I have no libido. Stop assuming that you know me so well because you don't. This has embittered me quite substantially, mostly because Elliott, Kat's boyfriend, keeps making remarks like those he said last night. As does Casey, who prides himself for dumping me in the 11th grade. Casey is another tale of woe, however, and these days I feel nothing but animosity toward him for reasons I will not put here. The guys from my art class also keep pointing out my "deficiencies" at nabbing a guy. Jessica keeps bringing up the libido thing. Kat keeps warning guys to stay away from me (and I don't want to hear any argument from you, Kat, the perfect example would be Mike). People keep asking me who I'm going to the prom with. My freaking teachers are trying to set me up with other people! HOLY MOTHER OF GOD, get OFF my back about it! Okay, my blood pressure is quite high now. I think I better stop... But seriously, what crime am I committing by not having a boyfriend? To my friends who read this crap: honestly, would you marry anyone from our school? Wouldn't you like to find that someone in college and wait and live a little? Hell, I'm going to bed. This driving me crazy.
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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