The Diary of Queen Mothy |
And I Seal My Fate written @ 10:52 PM on April 04, 2003 I feel like I've done a horrible thing. When I handed in my resume with my letter of interest to get my job in theater, I included the fact that my family was going to be out July 10-22. Mom wanted to go to Rhode Island and visit the relatives; she rented a beach house and everything. When they hired me, it seemed all was well with my plans to be out a week and a half. Then Joe and Terry approached me with the following: they were either going to hire somebody for that week and a half, which would make no sense and would not be economically sound for the theater, or they were going to hire somebody completely different for the entire summer. Suffice to say, I was pissed off. That was unfair for them to do that, after hiring me and not discussing it before hand, and I spent my lunchbreak figuring out what could be done. But on the same token, I understood why they determined those options were the only ways to do this, as July 10-22 is, as fate would have it, the major transition period between shows where they would absolutely need me. Of course, I wanted to keep this job. This job is like the gate to bigger and better things-- aren't all things?-- and the way I'm playing my cards now is that hopefully I'll be designing shows by the end of my sophomore year! I am in the midst of traditional Sam Reno scheming to rise to power, dammit, and this threw me for a loop and was a wrinkle in the canvas of my grand design, for the sake of being melodramatic. So I determined the only way to do this was to not go on vacation with Mom and Jonathan this summer and miss out on seeing my grandmother and my cousins. Telling Mom was really hard; for the entire conversation as I was filling her in on the details of this situation, she wouldn't really talk or respond to what I was explaining. Her disappointment and frustration were evident. And that is why I feel like I've done an awful thing. I mean, I know I need the money and I wouldn't do this if I didn't think it was worth it, but I feel like I've treaded on a dark path where my ambition, my drive, and my very dream are taking priority over family. I don't know that I want to be like that. I don't know if I want to be one of those overly focused business people who never look beyond what is on their desk. As a person, I know I'm not like that; I'm too in tuned with the world around me to be like that. The problem is that I can't help but feel that what I plan to do in this world will be good. It can't be anything else. Would my better angels have let me get this far if I wasn't meant to do it? Christine and I had a little conversation online today discussing predestination. We both agreed that we don't believe in it except to a certain degree, where there is a conclusion to every action initiated but it requires a person's choice to initiate it in the first place. Or something to that degree. Even so, I don't think I would have gotten this far if there wasn't something to be learned, something to be achieved for a higher purpose. Jesus Christ, I've been doing art since I was a kid, since before I can remember, isn't there a greater reason for that? But I still feel horrible. I feel selfish. Maybe I am. Maybe I always was. After all, my mom is going through some difficult times with my dad; I don't want her to feel like she's losing me with everything else. She's not. Yet I feel like I have to do this. Today I handed in my agreement form, and Joe, the chairman of the department, is going to draft a contract for me. So it's finalized. And I seal my fate.
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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