The Diary of Queen Mothy |
Shifting Times- 10 days written @ 6:48 PM on May 10, 2002 Five days until I become legal! May God have mercy on my poor parents. They actually have not made a fanfare about my 18th birthday like they usually do around this time. It's different. Today was a good day, despite the fact that something is messing up the smooth run of my life and I can't quite figure out what it is. But my mojo is definitely unbalanced. I mean, it feels like it's trying to balance itself out, but something inside me is deeply distressed, not quite right, and I can't figure out what's out of place in my life. It's so odd. Maybe it's just that the times are changing again. I always can feel when the times are shifting. I felt it when I was outside today. It's been a sunny day, and mild. Something within the earth was moving, and my feet were connected to it. It filled my being. It was so strange. It's like I'm depressed. I don't know why; I have no reason or right to be. Today I took the AP Art exam, which really wasn't an exam at all. It was more like, "Hey, kids, let's put our slides into place, label them, and put all your work into the big folder.... Oh wait, you already did that." It took less than 45 minutes, to be certain. And to be certain, my time in AP Art is done. You'd have thought this would have been the greatest of burdens off my shoulder. Instead I feel nothing. I did not even realize my journey through that class had ended until I had dropped off my portfolio in the office. I look toward this coming year with an emptiness I have never felt. All my blessings, and it seems like a curse. I'm not feeling what I should be feeling. For a moment, I had a vision of the future. And in the future, I was looking back on my life. And I saw a tragic character in myself. In this character, I saw someone who once had a noble cause that was lost when the innocence was gone. I saw someone who valued her flaws as much her virtues, but her virtues became her undoing and she then became a shade of a spirit. Her causes have slowly consumed her, and while the woman of the future is strong, she is empty and overlooked something that had been staring her right in the face since life began. That is what I feel now. Sometimes I think I've become this awful person. Lately I've seen no redeeming qualities within me that could account for some mistakes. People who know me are going to read this and think I'm mad. I feel unstable. Something is so wrong now, and I cannot tell what it is. There is one thing I'm certain of, however, and that is the need to start over. The better side says that everyday offers that opportunity, but I can't when my environment has become so imprisoning and limited. It's time to be graduated, I think. It's time to move on from this moment. I have ten days left. For the next ten days, I hope to make my entries more of a reflection as to how I've changed. For now, I have to learn to cope.
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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