The Diary of Queen Mothy |
Van HELL-sing written @ 11:26 PM on May 14, 2004 So let me tell you how bad Van Helsing was. Oh yeah. If a bad movie is worthy of an entry in my diary, you know it must have struck a chord. How bad? Well, if The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen is any unit of measurement, Van Helsing is hovering right above rock bottom, with LoEG the bedrock of the bottom. First, let's talk about the good stuff. I don't understand why the majority of the female populaces see an off-the-scale "hot" factor about Hugh what's-his-name, but I will say he is not a bad actor and I think he'll have bragging rights to a fine career when he's 70. With that said, Hollywood sure dealt him one of the worst scripts ever hacked. Not even his proliferation of testosterone could save this. He and Kate Beckinsale had a lot of chemistry on the screen (however, I will say that I'm noticing a growing trend among screen writers who equate "chemistry" with "sexual frustration," but who am I to say?) Kate does a fine job as well and did the best she could with what she had. My only criticism? Well, there was this one part in the film where she's sweeping across a canyon to Castle Dracula on a metal cable, and she catches the elixir that's going to save men from becoming warewolves with one hand before it falls into oblivion... And then she makes this face in the camera as if she's posing for a shampoo commercial. Jessica, Ashley, and I were the only ones cracking up in the theater. Other good things about the film: they had a huge budget for the set and probably paid the scenic designer and art director more than they paid the director, who was also the screen writer (but as a scenic designer, I tend to be bias). And because the director was also the screen writer, you understand that how he created the film, as dictated by the French film principle of auteur, was how he envisioned it. Oh, good God. With that said, let's talk about the bad editing job. Oh God, deliver us from bad editors. Please hire editors who have never cut together shampoo commercials! Please cut down on the whiney female vampires lamenting like it's a Greek tragedy in the background, crying, "Woe is me! Woe is me!" Special effects dudes, please understand that setting vampires who resemble flying monkeys on fire has long ago been had! And try and find a substitute to vampire placentas than green jello shaped as pinatas! Lastly, and for this I will get down on my knees, please do something about that scene with the monster holding a dead Dr. Frankenstein in his arms at the top of the windmill! I wanted to shout, "Sanctuary!" in the middle of the theater... and found it funny when a Mr. Hyde two minutes later mused, "The bells..." from the top of Notre Dame de Paris. And honestly! How many times can a warewolf fall into the same goddamned river in the same flick? And how could it be pouring down rain in one shot and then snowing in the next one? Editors! Screen writers! Lend me your mercy! Folks, I wanted to put the movie on mute and add my own dialogue. In the first hour, I made about thirty references to other films in the dialogue alone and... You know what? I can't talk about this anymore. So in conclusion, I will say this: go see the movie to help keep our fine actors in a job. Thanks. *steps down off the soap box*
A Bit of History ~ And Onward! L'Amour Toujours! - August 08, 2005 |
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